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20 Funny Scottish Jokes and Sayings

Jimmy is Scottish and has been an online writer for many years. He has been a customer at a few different UK banks.

The people of Scotland have a completely unfounded reputation for being too serious and dour. The truth is that the Scottish people have an amazing sense of humor which outsiders don't really understand or get. If you're traveling to Scotland, you might need to do a little research on Scottish humor before you go to make sure you get the full picture. You'll miss all the fun if you don't get the joke, after all.

Scots love to make fun of themselves and can see the funny side of every situation. If we were to be completely honest, the more desperate the situation, the more humor we find in it.

desperate = funny

desperate x 2 = funnier

desperate + kilts + sheep + an argument + a local pub + an angry wife = hysterical!


Ten Funny Scottish Proverbs

Ten of my favorite Scottish proverbs:

  1. No matter how much you applaud the jukebox, you have put another quarter in for an encore.
  2. A little bit of disagreement keeps the talk long. (Too much agreement kills a conversation.)
  3. He who marries a chicken soon gets henpecked.
  4. Man proposes, God disposes.
  5. Better be the lucky man than the lucky man's son.
  6. Hang a thief when he's young, an he'll no' steal when he's auld.
  7. Him that's born to be hanged will never be drowned.
  8. She spends money like a woman with no hands!
  9. Like the wife's tongue, often better meant than timed.
  10. Marriages are all happy—it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

5 Funny Scottish Jokes

  • Tourist: "I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip. Highland waiter: "Let me add up that bill again, sir."
  • Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope, and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.
  • Donald: "Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie? Sandy: "Seen one? I married one!"
  • Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye take your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused (as usual), goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns Unit."
  • What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A Rolling Stone says, "hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says, "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Scottish Sheep Jokes

Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!

Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!

Scotland's Biggest Joke

Currently the biggest joke in Scotland is the National Football team.

Currently the biggest joke in Scotland is the National Football team.

5 Funny Scottish Stories

Here are some humorous Scottish stories.

Scottish Weather

A film crew was filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by. "Tomorrow rain," he informed them and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past: "Tomorrow sunshine," he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day.

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy.

"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.

(As the old saying goes, "Want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!")

Big Shuggie's Holiday

Big Shuggie, stuck at the airport on holiday, proceeds to get very drunk. After his tenth big swig at his bottle, a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious. He grabs the wee fellah, demanding recompense, and drags him out of the building.

Big Shuggie returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man, who is smiling. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains to the astonished crowd of waiting passengers. "We call it aikido."

Despite having been tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to "go ootside." They do, and within a couple of minutes, Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd. "We call it karate."

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and "batter him wan." Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hears a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion. "It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them. "The bumper aff a Toyota!"

Scottish Ambition

A teacher asks the children in class to explain their ambitions in life to the class in a rhyme.

The class favourite puts up his hand and when the teacher calls on him, he says, "My name is Dan and when I'm a man I would like to go to China and Japan."

"Very good, Dan," says the teacher. The class beauty is next: "My name is Mary Grady and when I become a lady, I would like to have a baby, maybe."

"Very good, Mary," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up. "Haw Miss, my name is also Dan, bugger China and Japan. If Mary Grady wants a baby... Dan's yir bliddy man!"

Scottish Therapy

Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad.

"So how can I help?" asks the therapist.

"It's like this," says Wee Shuggie. "Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no one's there. Then my brain tells me there's somebody on top of the bed and it goes on like this all night: under, top, under, top. It's driving me mental!"

The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this. Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time."

"And how much will that be?" asks Wee Shuggie.

"£60 per session," the therapist informs him. Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money, and goes for a consoling drink at his local. The therapist never sees Wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. The therapist is surprised to see Shuggie looking so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he'd seen before.

"Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug.

"At £60 a pop, twice a week, for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!"

"How on earth did he do that?"

"He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"

The Barracks Door

A Scotsman walks into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walks up to him and says, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up, finished his shopping, and got in the lady cashier's line to check out. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When it was his turn he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

Michael McIntyre on Scotland

Scottish Poll