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20 Funny Scottish Jokes and Sayings

Scottish Humor

The people of Scotland have a completely unfounded reputation for being too serious and dour. The truth is that the Scottish people have an amazing sense of humor which outsiders don't really understand or get. If you're traveling to Scotland, you might need to do a little research on Scottish humor before you go to make sure you get the full picture. You'll miss all the fun if you don't get the joke, after all.

Scots love to make fun of themselves and can see the funny side of every situation. If we were to be completely honest, the more desperate the situation, the more humor we find in it.

desperate = funny

desperate x 2 = funnier

desperate + kilts + sheep + an argument + a local pub + an angry wife = hysterical!

thejockspot_10_scottish_jokes_and_proverbs

Ten Funny Scottish Proverbs

Ten of my favorite Scottish proverbs:

  1. No matter how much you applaud the jukebox, you have put another quarter in for an encore.
  2. A little bit of disagreement keeps the talk long. (Too much agreement kills a conversation.)
  3. He who marries a chicken soon gets henpecked.
  4. Man proposes, God disposes.
  5. Better be the lucky man than the lucky man's son.
  6. Hang a thief when he's young, an he'll no' steal when he's auld.
  7. Him that's born to be hanged will never be drowned.
  8. She spends money like a woman with no hands!
  9. Like the wife's tongue, often better meant than timed.
  10. Marriages are all happy--it's having breakfast together that causes most of the trouble.

5 Funny Scottish Jokes

  • Tourist: "I'm sorry, waiter, but I only have enough money for the bill. I have nothing left for a tip. Highland waiter: "Let me add up that bill again, sir."
  • Sandy became depressed and decided to end it all by hanging himself. However, his friend Donald came along in the nick of time, cut the rope, and saved his life. Sandy, true to form, sent Donald a bill for the cost of the rope.
  • Donald: "Have you ever seen one of those new machines that can tell when a person is telling a lie? Sandy: "Seen one? I married one!"
  • Tony Blair, the British Prime Minister, is being shown around a hospital. Towards the end of the visit, he is shown into a ward with a number of people with no obvious signs of injury or disease. He goes to greet the first patient and the chap replies: "Fair fa' your honest sonsie face, great chieftain e' the puddin' race! Aboon them a' ye take your place, Painch, tripe, or thairm; Weel are ye wordy o' a grace as lang's my arm." Tony, being somewhat confused (as usual), goes to the next patient and greets him. The patient replies: "Some hae meat, and canna eat, and some wad eat that want it, but we hae meat and can eat, and sae the Lord be thankit." The third starts rattling off as follows: "Wee sleekit, cow'rin, tim'rous beastie, O, what a panic's in thy breastie! Thou need na start awa sae hasty, wi bickering brattle! I wad be laith to rin an chase thee, wi murdering pattle!" Tony turns to the doctor accompanying him and asks what sort of ward is this. A mental ward? "No," replies the doctor, "It's the Burns Unit."
  • What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone? A Rolling Stone says, "hey you, get off of my cloud!" while a Scotsman says, "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!"

Scottish Sheep Jokes

Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!

Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!

Scotland's Biggest Joke

Currently the biggest joke in Scotland is the National Football team.

Currently the biggest joke in Scotland is the National Football team.

5 Funny Scottish Stories

Scottish Weather

A film crew was filming in the highlands when an old Gaelic seer came hobbling by. "Tomorrow rain," he informed them and hobbled on. Sure enough it rained the very next day. Again he hobbled past: "Tomorrow sunshine," he let them know, and it was indeed a fine sunny day the next day.

The director was mighty impressed and got the crew to hire him and every day the wise old sage predicted accurately what the weather would be. But after a couple of weeks the old man didn't show up and eventually the director found him in a bothy.

"Hey, we need your predictions, why aren't you showing up?" "Radio broken," the old man replied.

(As the old saying goes, "Want to experience four seasons? Come to Scotland on a day trip!")

Big Shuggie's Holiday

Big Shuggie, stuck at the airport on holiday, proceeds to get very drunk. After his tenth big swig at his bottle, a little Japanese man accidentally bumps into him, causing the bottle to smash to the floor. Big Shuggie is furious. He grabs the wee fellah, demanding recompense, and drags him out of the building.

Big Shuggie returns with bruises all over his face. Behind him is the Japanese man, who is smiling. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains to the astonished crowd of waiting passengers. "We call it aikido."

Despite having been tossed to the pavement, Big Shuggie's ire builds up and once more he challenges the Japanese man to "go ootside." They do, and within a couple of minutes, Shuggie is limping back into the building, with the smiling Japanese man behind him. "It is just a small Japanese thing," he explains once more to the impressed crowd. "We call it karate."

As the effects of his mauling at the hands of the wee man wears off, Big Shuggie once more bellows at the Japanese guy that he wants to take him outside and "batter him wan." Sighing and shrugging his shoulders, the Japanese man accompanies Shuggie outside. A couple of minutes later the hushed crowd hears a thud, and Shuggie comes striding back into the airport building, beaming like a champion. "It wiz just a small Japanese thing," he explains to them. "The bumper aff a Toyota!"

Scottish Ambition

A teacher asks the children in class to explain their ambitions in life to the class in a rhyme.

The class favourite puts up his hand and when the teacher calls on him, he says, "My name is Dan and when I'm a man I would like to go to China and Japan."

"Very good, Dan," says the teacher. The class beauty is next: "My name is Mary Grady and when I become a lady, I would like to have a baby, maybe."

"Very good, Mary," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

The wee Govan Terror at the back of the class stands up. "Haw Miss, my name is also Dan, bugger China and Japan. If Mary Grady wants a baby... Dan's yir bliddy man!"

Scottish Therapy

Wee Shuggie is in a terrible state and goes to see a private therapist, too terrified to go to a doctor in case they declare him mad.

"So how can I help?" asks the therapist.

"It's like this," says Wee Shuggie. "Ah've started getting these fears at night, and they are getting worse! I keep thinking somebody is under the bed, so I go down under it to look and no one's there. Then my brain tells me there's somebody on top of the bed and it goes on like this all night: under, top, under, top. It's driving me mental!"

The therapist thinks for a bit and says, "I am positive I can cure you of this. Now, I want you to come and see me twice a week for the next six months for a two hour session each time."

"And how much will that be?" asks Wee Shuggie.

"£60 per session," the therapist informs him. Shuggie leaves, troubled at the thought of all that money, and goes for a consoling drink at his local. The therapist never sees Wee Shuggie again, until one day months later he bumps into him in the street. The therapist is surprised to see Shuggie looking so well, not the sleep-deprived maniac he'd seen before.

"Why did you never come back?" he asks Shug.

"At £60 a pop, twice a week, for six months? You must be kidding! The barman at the local cured me for a tenner!"

"How on earth did he do that?"

"He told me to buy a saw and cut the legs off the bed!"

The Barracks Door

A Scotsman walks into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walks up to him and says, "Your barracks door is open." This is not a phrase we Scotsmen normally use so he went on his way, looking a bit puzzled.

When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open." He zipped up, finished his shopping, and got in the lady cashier's line to check out. He was planning to have a little fun with her.

When it was his turn he said, "When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a Scottish soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no. But I did see a disabled veteran sitting on two duffle bags."

Michael McIntyre on Scotland

Scottish Poll

Comments

boby on November 20, 2019:

your funny

George job on April 04, 2017:

Scottish,proud and daft as a brush ! Joke are not too bad !! Now how is a small cow. Like a holiday !! It's a wee , calf ! Get it !!

Marlene Bertrand from USA on December 18, 2016:

I can see why this one is getting so much attention. The jokes are hilarious! Just what I needed right about now.

lloyd 'art' mcColl on December 16, 2016:

from Aus,lot of very funny Scottish jokes out there,

whats the difference between a Scotsman and a tightrope? - a tightrope sometimes gives.

heard about the Scottish shopkeeper who was accidently given too much change,? - he tried furiously to get the customers attention on the way out by banging on the window with a sponge :/

Thelma Alberts from Germany and Philippines on May 20, 2015:

LOL! This is fun to read Jimmy. I enjoyed it a lot. Thanks for the laugh this morning.

Lee John from Preston on February 02, 2015:

hahaha great hub!! loved reading it! I live in England but i can relate to my fellow scots and their sayings :)

Thanks again

Lee

stephen on January 08, 2015:

Why do Scotsmen wear kilts? cause sheep can hear a zipper a mile away...and yes im Scottish but had to post that one

Susie Lehto from Minnesota on January 08, 2015:

What a funny hub, lots of good humor here. This must have been a lot of fun for you.

Joyfulcrown on January 07, 2015:

Thanks for the laugh. It's always nice to start the day with laughter.

Kathy Gibbs on January 06, 2015:

And then there's the one about the Scotsman who woke up one morning and found that his wife had died in her sleep next to him. Horrified, he runs to the top of the stairs and yells, "Mary! Cook only ONE egg this morning!"

L Sarhan from Huntsville, Alabama, USA on January 06, 2015:

Hahaha... This made me laugh. Thanks! I voted up and just had to share it. :D

Mary Hyatt from Florida on January 06, 2015:

I have never known a Scotsman, but I always figured if a man has the good humor to wear a skirt, he must be an OK guy with a good sense of humor for sure.

Great jokes; I enjoyed.

Sarah from Portugal on December 18, 2014:

My favourite Scottish comedian is Danny Bhoy. I absolutely love him :). I've travelled through Scotland in 2012. I hope to write about some of my many amazing experiences there. Love the country.

Carrie Lee Night from Northeast United States on September 19, 2014:

Voted funny and useful :). Loved the humor. Thank you for sharing :)

Joanna McKenna from Central Oklahoma on August 27, 2014:

'Never forget when men were men...and every sheep knew it.'

Although the saying isn't credited to a Scot, it should be! ;D

John Fisher from Easton, Pennsylvania on August 24, 2014:

A Scottish man's idea of success is to earn more money than his wife can spend. A Scottish woman's idea of success is to marry such a man.

Joanna McKenna from Central Oklahoma on August 24, 2014:

The BURNS unit! ROTFL! Thanks, Jimmy! ;D

Barbara Fitzgerald from Georgia on August 19, 2014:

Funny thanks for sharing!

Lisa Auch from Scotland on August 19, 2014:

Well of course I Love it I am Scottish! Thanks for making Us Lot from the other place feel really welcome

Carrie Lee Night from Northeast United States on June 07, 2014:

Voted up and funny :) Keep the good times rolling on the floor. Have a wonderful week.

Ben Newcomb from Austin, Texas on February 06, 2014:

I love it! Scotland rocks and their jokes rule!

David Blain on January 26, 2014:

Born a Kellie,dee a Kellie.

I enjoyed Vancouver Police Pipe Band "Burns Nicht" yesterday,

Was asked what door prive was !I replied Ist Is Pupe Major, 2nd.the rest of the Bloody Band.

If you aré unable to make jokes about your on nationality, you can not

make jokes about any other nationality.SO jeep your Bloody mouth SHUT. Great Jokes. Google Newfie Jokes-only if you quqlify

John MacNab from the banks of the St. Lawrence on December 23, 2013:

Bluidy great, Jimmy.

mythbuster from Utopia, Oz, You Decide on November 14, 2013:

Very funny stuff. I had to read slowwwww, then finally aloud - to compensate for the "accent" you've written into everything. I really like the beginning, Ten Scottish Proverbs. Thanks for sharing - made me chuckle.

Jimmy the jock (author) from Scotland on October 29, 2013:

Guess what CMT, I am Scottish

cmt on October 29, 2013:

You can tell a Scottish person never wrote this as they don't have quarters in Scotland!

Amit Kumar from New Delhi on September 09, 2013:

Funny.

Man Purposes, God Disposes.

Lol...

Joshua Dalrymple from Naples, Italy on July 26, 2013:

Very funny, thanks!

tastiger04 on July 15, 2013:

LOL. I will surely have to pass these on...sounds like good convo for a pub night! :) voted up

David Angulo from Philippines on July 03, 2013:

This made my night !

maggs224 from Sunny Spain on June 30, 2013:

I thought number 4 the Burns Unit, was the funniest, it really made me laugh but so did the rest too, so thank you for posting these

Danny fae Govan on August 28, 2012:

my oldest memory I was in the bath with my dad at 3 years of age I said to him daddy what's that? Dad said that's a cock son. I said when will I get a cock dad he said once yer maw goes to the bingo

Anjo Bacarisas II from Cagayan de Oro, Philippines on August 19, 2012:

funny! that made my day better, thanks for sharing this. this gives a good laugh :)

JohnRenaud on July 27, 2012:

I don't have any good ones, but I think you guys are really funny. I'm a Frenchie. Se la vie. Met a fine Scottish lassie and would love to pop a couple Scottish phrases on her. Clean, but funny or endearing. I live in USA. Thanks.

Nell Rose from England on July 10, 2012:

Really funny, I loved the Burns unit, I just groaned! lol!

Janine Huldie from New York, New York on July 10, 2012:

Very funny, Jimmy especially #5 with The Rolling Stones. Definitely voting up and sharing too.

iamageniuster on February 10, 2012:

Very funny. Hahaha.

Jimmy the jock (author) from Scotland on February 06, 2012:

Hi Eric the patients in the ward are all reciting poetry by Robert Burns, hope that explains the joke lol.....jimmy

Eric Newland from Dayton, Ohio on February 06, 2012:

I like these. Except...please explain the hospital one to me so I can sleep tonight.

bex on January 28, 2012:

haha lolage

Mindy Bench from Oregon on March 05, 2011:

LOL :)

Angie Jardine from Cornwall, land of the eternally youthful mind ... on February 13, 2011:

Thank Heavens for British humour ... I could have put Scottish, Jimmy, but that wasn't the point I was trying to make. We're outnumbered, mate, by the overthepond-ers!

All the best ...

Angie

fi fi from Niagara, Canada on November 04, 2010:

Lol :)

attemptedhumour from Australia on October 12, 2010:

Hi Jimmy i can't believe that i could read ten cracking jokes that i've never heard before. The sayings are great too. I used to play for Prahran Celtic here in Melbourne and there were some very funny Scottish blokes in the team or pub after the game. Billy Connelly is my favourite comic world wide and i know there would be plenty of other gifted Scottish comics. Cheers

burn-fat on November 17, 2007:

Number 1 is a classic

Jimmy the jock (author) from Scotland on November 25, 2006:

glad you enjoyed wajay lol...jimmy

wajay_47 on November 25, 2006:

5)Q: What's the difference between a Scotsman and a Rolling Stone?

A: A Rolling Stone says "hey you, get off of my cloud!", while a Scotsman says "Hey McLeod, get off of my ewe!" Too darned funny, Jimmy! A person could hurt himself laughing! LOL

Jimmy the jock (author) from Scotland on November 25, 2006:

thanks lóunn ...jimmy

Iðunn on November 25, 2006:

7)Him that's born to be hanged will never be drowned.

I love that one! hahaha

nice batch of jokes too. :D