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Five Ways Wicked Camper Rentals Can Ruin Your Holidays

Australian who loves to travel the world. Loves living in Byron Bay, close to the sand and surf.

A constant stream of backpackers and tourists with a healthy appetite for fun and adventure (but an anorexic budget) eagerly climb into Wicked Campers to travel Australia and other parts of the world.

Sadly for many of them, the dream of a carefree holiday turns into a nightmare.

Here's five ways Wicked Campers ruin holidays. There are risks associated with renting a van from them.

Wicked's Desperate Sales Pitch

The owners of Wicked Campers, an Australian hire company now going global, want you to believe that Wicked is sexy and if you rent a Wicked Camper you'll be having orgies in the van.

They hope you'll accept their misogynistic slogans, ignore the fact that they encourage their staff to be perverts, and simply fall for a desperate sales pitch that implies you're guaranteed a good time. With the right attitude, customers will not be concerned by the thought of catching some kind of exotic sexually transmitted disease—just as they couldn't care less if their van breaks down and leaves them stranded.

After all, that's part of the adventure, isn't it?

Here's the five most common complaints about ways Wicked Campers ruin holidays ... and a few observations from my vantage point here in Australia.

Wicked Campers—You'll Know One If You See One

The best kind of slogan is one where adults get the joke without needing to explain what it means to a child who is learning to read. It's a fine line and most parents try to avoid sitting behind a Wicked van in traffic.

The best kind of slogan is one where adults get the joke without needing to explain what it means to a child who is learning to read. It's a fine line and most parents try to avoid sitting behind a Wicked van in traffic.

Problem #1: Upsetting the Locals Spoils a Wicked Trip

If the slogan on the van you are travelling in is obscene, expect to be greeted with hostility. One of the Wicked slogans that springs to mind is 'If sex is a pain in the a##, you're doing it wrong.'

Another says, 'My d*ck died, can I bury it in your a**?'

When you're young enough to still remember the taste of snot from your finger, perhaps you fall about laughing at a slogan like that and feel very grown-up and brave driving such a controversial and in-your-face kind of beast. If you don't have kids and will never have to struggle answering their questions, what's the problem?

You may or may not think your parents will be cool about seeing the photos on facebook, but that's the least of your worries.

Think about this ...

A small town will not welcome that kind of slogan in their main street. Locals are unlikely to point you in the direction of their best swimming hole, and you even run the risk of being turned away by campsites where you pay.

If an Offensive Statement was Painted Outside Your Home

Where Wicked's Campervan Designs Went Wrong

John Webb and his wife started off with a good idea but spoiled it. When Wicked Campers first took to the roads there were many drivers who sped up or slowed down to catch a glimpse of the paintwork. Clever graffiti on a van is definitely art. I welcomed Wicked's designs in the early years. I'm the kind of person who also enjoys artistic graffiti on trains and urban walls.

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But an eyeful of obscenity holds no appeal for me and I wonder at John Webb's stupidity. He could have achieved the same amount of publicity and backpacker interest if he'd encouraged his wife and other artists to paint any obscene and controversial slogans inside the vans instead of in public view.

Backpackers would undoubtedly take photos of the 'hidden' gems, tell their friends about them, and display them on social networks. Word would get out and newspapers would write stories.

Clever and funny slogans on the outside, John. Lines that are likely to offend the general public on the inside.

Controversy could rage—as is obviously the goal—without upsetting people in the street and spoiling what might have been a really good holiday for unsuspecting customers.

Wicked Campers Make You a Target

Problem #2: Unwanted Attention Is Not Wicked

Here's a tip. If you smoke cannabis in a territory where marijuana is illegal, you really shouldn't advertise it.

Driving around in a van known by police to appeal to cannabis smokers is asking for trouble.

John Webb's decision to offer an automatic discount to any customer who states they smoke pot may be considered a stroke of genius in terms of marketing, but it is a huge disservice to customers themselves.

Don't be surprised if your Wicked camper is stopped by the police and you are searched.

Wicked campers make a statement wherever they are. This one's by the ocean at Byron Bay on the east coast of Australia.

Wicked campers make a statement wherever they are. This one's by the ocean at Byron Bay on the east coast of Australia.

Problem #3: When Wicked's Campers Break Down

John Webb was a mechanic who decided it was easier to make money renting vehicles than fixing them. Unfortunately his determination to stop repairing cars and vans included those in his Wicked fleet.

Instead of apologizing for the state of his campers—many of which have been forced from the roads after being declared unroadworthy—he began promoting roadside breakdowns as 'part of the adventure' and urged customers to request the worst vehicle in the yard.

Breaking down once might be fun, particularly if you are alongside a beach or close to a coffee shop, but breaking down repeatedly—or even one experience being stranded in the middle of the Australian outback—can severely disrupt your travel plans and spoil what should be a carefree, fun holiday.

The internet is peppered with complaints from customers who received no help from John Webb or his team when the Wicked vans they'd rented were not capable of making the journey.

Don't Forget Your Lonely Planet Guide

Problem # 4: Wicked Trips Cost More Than You'd Planned

When you set a budget for a trip, there's always going to be at least a few unexpected costs. However, feeding oil into your rental vehicle shouldn't be one of them.

If you travel in a Wicked van, there's every possibility you'll become so frustrated with breakdowns and poor vehicle performance that you'll decide to abandon the vehicle in the back of beyond and catch a bus, train or taxi to your next planned destination.

Having left your bed behind, you'll then be paying a hotel, motel or backpacker's lodge for accommodation as well.

Take a look at the many complaints about ways Wicked has cost customers more than they'd planned. Here's one site with a variety of examples.

It also includes further evidence supporting other points I have made.

Inside a Wicked Camper—Note He Doesn't Show the Slogan on the Back

Wicked Alienates Women

Wicked Campers in the UK and Europe

Wicked's UK/Europe website turns up the heat with an extra special offer for winter.

"Ooooh get cosy doods with these sexy little portable heaters! These babies will warm your camper and let you get cosy for a sexy night in with your significant other/s."

I can't speak for John Webb, but if I was getting cozy for a 'sexy night with significant others' in the back of a campervan, the last thing I'd need would be a cheap heater.

In the back of one of Webb's vans, I'm not sure anyone could have a 'sexy night'. Take a look at the video showing the inside of a Wicked camper and you'll see what I mean.

Yes, it includes the basics that meet the needs of a tourist or two without high expectations, but the construction and bedding are cheap and nasty.

With that in mind, perhaps their cheap little heater is sexy compared to the surroundings.

Wicked's Naked Special

Here's a quote from John Webb: "The guys wish they had more girls come in naked, but they get a few so I think...he was complaining today in Melbourne, he’s had more...he didn’t have his camera when he had girls come in. But he’s got his camera now. But even if you’d see, you know, nine naked guys and one naked girl, it'd be worth it for them."

Strip off your clothes to get one free day's hire of a Wicked van and you have to expect the staff will be taking photos.

Now, remind yourself that the person who takes the photo owns the copyright. You have NO control over what happens to that photo. Do you really think one free day's hire is appropriate payment for your nakedness being featured on a website or billboard ... or even just on the internet?

Is it worth it?

Problem #5: Stupid Mistakes That Spoil Your Future?

If you are prepared to drop your gear and be naked when you collect your Wicked vehicle in Australia, you'll get one day's hire free.

Sounds like a great idea—at least it would have been a great idea in the 1970s, before digital cameras and the internet had been invented.

Digital photos on the internet provide a marketing tool for John Webb and Wicked Campers, but there's an inherent danger for keen young customers who fall into the Wicked Webb without thinking through the wider implications.

All those photos appearing on Wicked's websites, on Facebook or blogs—even if they're not your own sites—may one day come back to haunt you (and bite you on your naked bottom.)

Nineteen today and thinking it is just a laugh and good, clean fun to be photographed naked—or in tiny bathers alongside an obscene line of text on the back of a van, but have you considered how you might feel when you are 29 and that embarrassing photo appears on the screen of your potential boss, or your future mother-in-law?

I was reading recently about reverse photo searches, and how a google search using a photo of a face can provide a vast array of likely matches. I certainly wouldn't want all the photos from my youth being available for public view. Fortunately for me, the internet hadn't been invented when I was young and reckless.

Wicked Campers in South America

Until very recently, Wicked's South American website was advertising for wrinkly old people to get naked and work as volunteers washing their vans. You wouldn't get paid but I suppose you could dream you might get laid. After all, Wicked is always sexy.

The volunteer page with images of sunbronzed wrinkly flesh is currently not available. Now that John Webb has taken Wicked internationally, it seems fair to assume he may be getting in trouble with authorities in South America just as he does in Australia. Or perhaps the page is just unable to be found while he updates his photos. lol.

True to form, Webb and Wicked still target potential customers with the dream of lots of hot action, even in the snow..

"Are you a free-reign ski-maniac coming to South America seeking a good time, adventure, and awesome ski-babes?" their website asks—encouraging us all to shout, "Yes I am—and I sure need a Wicked van!"

It makes me laugh when I read their proud page titled Quality & Security. Here's what it says ...

"If you thought that wicked campers were all about Awesomeness and Sexiness you are wrong!

Here in Wicked campers Chile we want you to live the experience of your life!. Thats (sic) why we are very strict on our campers (sic) maintenance. If you thought that you were going to find a crapy (sic) old car, we are sorry to tell that all our campers are 2012 to 2014 models, so you can be sure that you will have no problems on the road.

We know that accidents can happend (sic), thats (sic) why we give you 24 hours, 7 days a week roadside assistance, and guess what! its included in the package!!!

Rent a Wicked Camper and fullfil (sic) the dream to travel around Chile and Argentina, Patagonia or Atacama desert doesnt (sic) matther (sic), if you find anyu (sic) problem, we will solve it."

Well, Mr Webb. I find a problem with your spelling, grammar and punctuation. Can you solve it? If you can't be bothered paying attention to details on your website, how can I be confident you'll bother to service and maintain those cars that were once new but are already likely to require attention?

The thought of driving a van with neglected brakes on flat Australian roads is frightening. I doubt my heart could stand the stress of driving with neglected brakes on slippery mountain roads in a country where I couldn't understand a warning from roadside assistance.

A free-reign ski-maniac like me should be able to dedicate all my time and effort to seeking good times, adventure and awesome ski-babes.I might have risked a trip in a Wicked Camper in South America in 2012 or 2013 when your vehicles were new, but sadly I've missed my window of opportunity.

Thinking of Hiring a Wicked Camper?

Behind the Face of Wicked Campers

I've never met John Webb or his artist wife Chris, but I've had a few good laughs with friends about what their vans and business say about them. The general consensus is that John and Mrs John spent their early lives envying those of us who had long hair, loud music and freedom while they were still at school living in suburbia with mummy and daddy.

Little Johnny's hair might have reached his freshly ironed collar as a teen but it was never likely to have wrapped beneath his underarms and made it difficult to swim freely in the surf.

Chrissy's bedroom probably had frills in at least one place (bed, curtains or perhaps dangling beneath her dressing table) and any posters on her walls would have been small and tidy. She may have drawn on her pencil case but never on her walls.

Jimmy Hendrix is unlikely to have featured in either of their childhoods and everyone rejects the idea of a bong being stashed beneath John's bed. Did Chris wear a string bikini or see-through cheesecloth tops with no bra when she skipped barefoot from her family home? Not likely. But she probably watched the kids next door doing it.

Did they squeeze themselves along with six of their friends into a tiny Mini Minor? Lie in the back of a panel van with the flap open as they sped across their local version of the Sydney Harbour Bridge with the music so loud it could be heard on the other side of the water? Watch Monty Python on tv every week in a smoke-filled room lighting cigarettes on home-made candles the shape of wax-lined drink cartons—and stubbed out in alabaster ashtrays? Cram into a Kombi with surfboards and not much else to make a pilgrimage to Byron Bay like baby boomers in the 70s did? We think not.

Of course we might be wrong, but their campervan designs, requests for naked photos, and offers of discounts for stoners reek of frustrated boomer-rebel-wannabes.

The Best Road Trip

John Webb's Wicked Campers are a great idea in theory—but before you get out on the road spending real dollars and trying to create great memories, remember there's at least five ways Wicked Campers spoil holidays.

Do your research, assess your options, and choose wisely.

The best road trip is a safe and happy one. We all expect to encounter challenges and adventures on a road trip, but spending all day every day in a vehicle that is not roadworthy or risks upsetting people you meet along the way should not be among them.

© 2014 Alex Finn

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